Who You Answer To
by Charles Burke

How well do you do your work?

Who says so?

Most people tend to judge themselves by the evaluations, the ratings and even the offhand comments of those around them.
"The boss says I'm doing great!"
"My workers criticize me all the time."
"We're too expensive. Our main client said so."
"My supervisor treats me like I'm stupid."

And while sensitivity to others can be a good thing, many of us are sensitive to really inconvenient things, so that we define our self image by the reports we receive from the people around us. Happens all the time... at home, on the job, among friends.

Ever notice how, when someone else is having a bad day, one sharp remark from them is all it takes; their mood will spill over to color our own experience.

Maybe you've had a rude driver cut you off in traffic and set the tone for your whole trip to work. Or an unthinking comment from a co-worker about your weight, height, clothing, breath, ancestry, etc. could plunge you into a day of gloom or stir you into angry defensiveness.

In most cases, we don't intend to be influenced by careless or cutting comments. It just happens. And when it does, it can kick the blocks from under us, completely changing the way we experience the remainder of our day. This pattern leaves us open to virtually any passing influence, as we react to the random behavior of others.

As a result, we're victims, whether we think of it in those terms or not. Our feelings, our thinking, even our actions are passivly blown this way and that by anybody and anything that breezes past.

But there's a way to declare independence. It's possible to take firm control of how you relate to the people and events in the world around you. Of course, it won't be instantaneous. It'll take you some time and effort before you get used to doing this, but it IS elegantly simple to implement.

Remember I said that most of us take the feedback we get from others and use that as our rating system? Well, why wait around for that to happen?

DO THIS:

Start proactively rating your own performance, rather than waiting around for others to do it for you.

Make up a checklist for evaluating the things you do. Not to criticize yourself, but to gain clear insight into exactly what you're doing and how well. I repeat: this is not for criticism, it's for course corrections.

This checklist can be as brief or as elaborate as you like, but bear in mind that if it's too cumbersome, it won't get used.

For instance, you can rate only your interactions with others, such as how you feel you're responding to smiles, how you greet people first thing in the morning, the wording you use to request a favor or assign a task.

Or you can make the checklist broader, so that it includes your driving, your eating habits, how you deal with the equipment in your office (if this is often a problem for you).

If there's anything during your day that feels like a "sticking point" in your personal experience or your interpersonal relations, you can use your checklist to examine how you handle it. Put that sticking point on your checklist, and follow up on it every day for at least a month.

If you'll actually do this, you'll find yourself coming up with better ways to handle the things that have been causing you discomfort.

HINT:

The most effective lists are narrow in scope. A sharper focus keeps you from getting sidetracked or overwhelmed by too much detail. Just examine and rate how you do everything in a certain segment of your work or personal experience. Keep at it till you know for sure that you have a good, firm handle on how to control your behavior, with conscious awareness, in that area of your daily life.

When you're sure you're no longer a passive victim in this one area, then move on and make another list for examining a new area.

Each month or two you can take up a different part of your daily experience, and within a year, you'll be living your life with far more awareness.

Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living."

I wouldn't take it to that extreme, but carefully examining your life can shed light on areas that aren't working quite right, and it WILL help you take back control that has slipped away.

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