Have you ever had anyone speak to you in a tone that made you
feel
uncomfortable? And yet, you said nothing. Have you ever done
something for
someone or with someone that you really didn't want to do? And
yet, you did
it anyway, only to become resentful later.
Every time you say nothing, every time you let it slide, every
time you do
something for someone else that you don't want to do, you tell
yourself that
the other person means more than you. In essence, you give
yourself (and
others) the message that you don't matter.
How it begins
One of the first words we learn to say as infants is "no". We
learn this
word partly because we hear it so frequently and it's an easy
word to
pronounce. It becomes a popular word as we move into the
toddler years. Then
we learn that it's not nice to say "no", that we need to do as
we are told.
As children, this is how we learn right from wrong; it's how
we are
socialized and learn acceptable behavior.
As we grow, we allow people to convince us to do things that
are not
congruent with the way we want to be. Somewhere along the way
to adulthood,
our ability to say "no" gets lost. It becomes easier to tell
ourselves "no"
than to say "no" to others, so we ignore our own feelings and
go with the
flow. What matters is that we please others. So, we take on
projects and
additional responsibilities that we'd rather not do and after
awhile we
become proudly known for 'getting it done'. Over time, we
become resentful
and unhappy. We continue to repeat the same messages we were
taught as
children and never question whether they serve us as adults.
Paying the price
Saying "yes" when you'd rather not means you're really saying
"no" to
yourself. This undermines your self-esteem. You unwittingly
tell yourself
that the other person's needs come before your own and you
devalue yourself.
And, until you are ready to take responsibility for yourself,
it will
continue.
You may be accustomed to placing the needs of others before
yourself. And
yet, can't you be just as caring when you care for yourself
first?
When I met Susan, it was just before Christmas. She told me
that 45 people
were coming over for Christmas dinner. She was excited to say
that her
mother was coming but her demeanor changed when she said her
siblings were
coming with their spouses, children and grandchildren. She was
clearly not
looking forward to this dinner; it was a lot of work and she
was expected to
cook every year - family members did not take turns, although
some of her
sisters brought food. I asked her to tell me what the perfect
Christmas
dinner would be like. She said it would just be the seven of
them - her
husband, her children, and her mother. So I asked her what
would happen if
she told everyone that she was no longer going to have
Christmas dinner for
everyone. Interestingly, she had not considered it as a
possibility. She
just figured she'd be stuck having this dinner every year, ad
infinitum. She
didn't realize that she could choose to do something
different; she just
needed to give herself permission.
Just as she believes that it is her duty to have this dinner,
it is possible
that her relatives attend out of a sense of duty. She might
find that once
her true feelings are exposed that others share the same
feelings of
obligation. Either way, she is entitled to spend Christmas
dinner in a way
that brings her the most joy. Until she is honest with herself
and others,
she will continue to suffer needlessly.
What things in your life do you continue to do over and over
because that's
how it's always been? Not only is it all right, it is
imperative that you
question the things you do and consciously choose how to spend
your time and
energy. It's your life. You can live by design or by default.
Either way,
you only live once.
Learn to follow your heart
How do you learn to say "no"? By practicing. Learn to pause
before you
answer any request made of you, whether it's for your time,
energy or money,
etc. Then search your heart for what you really want. How do
you feel to say
"yes" to this request? How do you feel to say "no"? Which
feels better? Even
if you're not sure why, go with your gut. Learning to listen
to your inner
self is critical. Every time you say "no", you say "yes" to
you. This builds
self-esteem, and as you honor yourself, you reclaim your
personal power.
Learning to say "no" to things you don't want means you're
able to say "yes"
to things you do want. Eliminating things that you don't want
in your life,
things that don't make you feel good, gives you the time,
energy and space
to add things that you do enjoy. When you say "yes" to meeting
your own
needs and wants, you validate yourself; this builds confidence
and inner
strength. When you feel good, you're happier, more productive
and you have
more fun!
You can say "no" with grace and love. As you say "no" to
others, don't make
them wrong; simply state your Truth. And don't apologize!
(You're doing
nothing wrong!) Simply state that you are unable to take on
any more
projects and that you have stopped doing things that are not
your
responsibility or not in your best interest. If you can, refer
them to
someone who can help them or show them how to do it for
themselves.
Do unto yourself as you would do unto others
The highest level of respect you can give is the respect you
show yourself.
People often say that you must give respect in order to get
it; in order to
get it, you must give it to yourself. As you treat yourself
with compassion
and love, you teach others how you expect to be treated, and
by raising your
standards, you permit others to do the same.
Julie Fuimano, MBA, BSN, RN is a personal & career coach
working with people
and organizations that want to break through the ceiling that
keeps them
from the success they desire. Creating clarity and a vision
for success,
eliminating obstacles, designing nurturing environments, and
developing
effective communication skills are some of the areas she works
with clients
to bring about the results they want in life, career, finances
and
relationships. Call now to explore how coaching would work for
you (484)
530-5024. Sign up for our e-newsletter at
www.nurturingyoursuccess.com
http://www.nurturingyoursuccess.com/
.gif)
